


just stickin' to the protocol

by ahausonfire (thisiswherethefishlives)



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: And Nursey Is The Last Person To Realize He's Pining, Chirping is flirting, Chowder And Farmer Are Goals, Chowder's IKEA Shark Is Duplicitous, Farmer Is Having None Of Nursey's Business, M/M, Nursey Is Dramatically Betrayed, Pre-Relationship, Realizations, Secrets are Revealed, in which:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 07:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13565829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisiswherethefishlives/pseuds/ahausonfire
Summary: “He’s just-” Derek tries to reach for the proper words to fully encapsulate the horrors of Dex’s entire self, but he falls short. He always falls short when it comes to describing Dex (from his hair to his ears, his perpetual grumpiness to his know-it-all attitude, he’s just a lot) and it’s infuriating. Frustration leaking out of every cell, he falls back into Chowder’s pillows, arms flailing dramatically.From where she’s sitting across the room, Derek can hear Farmer laughing, but he’s too caught up in the drama of it all to call her on it. She doesn’t have much room to talk after the time she literally kicked a hole in the wall in response to a teaser for Fifty Shades Freed.





	just stickin' to the protocol

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LeftWingLibrarian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeftWingLibrarian/gifts).



> This entire thing was written as an excuse to work “It’s chirping with your dick” into a fic. I hold LeftWingLibrarian 100% responsible for this.

“He’s just-” Derek tries to reach for the proper words to fully encapsulate the horrors of Dex’s entire self, but he falls short. He always falls short when it comes to describing Dex (from his hair to his ears, his perpetual grumpiness to his know-it-all attitude, he’s just a lot) and it’s infuriating. Frustration leaking out of every cell, he falls back into Chowder’s pillows, arms flailing dramatically.

From where she’s sitting across the room, Derek can hear Farmer laughing, but he’s too caught up in the drama of it all to call her on it. She doesn’t have much room to talk after the time she literally kicked a hole in the wall in response to a teaser for Fifty Shades Freed.

“Have you thought about just talking with him?” Chowder asks, and to his credit, he doesn’t sound half as weary as he should, considering how many times they’ve riffed on this specific conversation. And, like. Look, Derek knows that it must be rough on Chowder, having two best friends that can’t get along, but… at the same time, Derek doesn’t really understand how Chowder can be friends with Will at all. Because he’s kind of a dick.

“Bro, you know I can’t just talk to him. He’s kind of a dick, and honestly, I don’t know why you bother being friends with him at all when you can just assign me the position of ‘best friend’ and be done with it.”

Unsurprisingly, that line of thought earns Derek a pillow to the face, which - really?

“C’mon, Chow, watch the face!”

“Yeah, babe,” Farmer chimes in, her tone dripping in honey, and _god_ , Derek likes her a lot, but she’s kind of always a dick when the Nice Voice comes out to play. “You wouldn’t want to damage Nursey’s face - there’s at least a fifty-fifty chance that Dex would stop flirting with him if he weren’t so damn pretty.”

And, yeah. She’s totally a dick. Suddenly Chowder’s friendship with Dex makes a lot more fucking sense.

“How _dare_ you, Farms!” He says, leveraging himself up on one of his arms in order to better lodge Chowder’s IKEA shark at her head. “I feel attacked, I feel violated, and I feel like it’s time for you to leave.”

“Nurse, she’s literally my girlfriend, you’re actively in my room, and she was definitely here first. If you can’t hang with Farmer, you’re the one that’s gonna have to leave.” Chowder’s ultimatum hits like an overdramatic punch to Derek’s overdramatic gut, and really. _Really_. 

“Really? Where’s the haus loyalty, Chowder? I mean, for real. I came out to have a good time, and I’m honestly feeling _so_ attacked right now.”

“Uh, no.” Farmer drawls from where she’s petting the shark, and really. That shark? A traitor. “You came here to bitch about Dex and your weird unresolved sexual tension that’s been hovering between you since freshman year. There’s a difference.”

Honestly, Derek would defend himself, but all he can do in the face of Farmer’s outright cruelty is pout.

“Oh my god, Nurse, don’t even. Your pout might work on Dex, and it might work on Chris, but it’s not gonna work on me. Like, I’d feel bad about the whole thing if you guys weren’t obviously getting off on the whole chirping-equals-flirting thing you’ve got going on.”

“Okay, first of all? How dare you!” Farmer doesn’t seem remotely chastised by Derek’s first point, but he’s a poet for god’s sake. He’s got more than enough words to win her over. “Second of all? _How dare you?_ Thirdly? Our chirping really isn’t flirting at all. It’s, like… at least ninety percent hatred and the other ten percent is also hatred.”

Farmer snorts at that, though it’s the smug kind of snorting that Derek really can’t stand - the kind that says ‘I’m not laughing with you, I’m totally laughing at you’ - and _god._ He likes her so much - she’s an excellent bro - but sometimes she really grinds his gears. He’s just about ready to tell her as much when Chowder sighs, gusty and disappointed as anything.

“You don’t _really_ hate Dex, do you?” He says, and _god_ , Derek hates it when Chowder gets like this - all sad and hurt and tender - all over Derek and Dex’s relationship of mutually assured douche-baggery.

It always leaves Derek feeling like a particularly naughty child that’s disappointed their dad.

Which. 

It a weird thing to unpack, really. Definitely not something Derek feels like dealing with now under the heavy, sincere gaze that Chowder’s got him pinned with.

“ _No_ , Chowder. I don’t really hate him. He just… gets under my skin. A lot.”

Chowder’s face clears at that, the grim disappointment lifting as easy as anything, and for the first time since this stupid conversation started, Derek lets himself breathe easy. Of course, that lasts about as long as it takes for Chowder to open his big, sincere mouth again.

“That’s rough buddy. You should probably just ask him out already, what with all the chirp-flirting you’ve been doing for the past three years. There are more fun ways to let him under your skin.”

“For _real_ ,” Farmer chimes in from where she’s settled herself in Chowder’s lap, shark long forgotten in favor of her boyfriend. “Think about all the great sex you could be having if you weren’t wasting your time whining to us about Dex. You could be having _all_ the sex. You may have heard of it? It’s like chirping… with your _dick_.”

“I-” Derek starts, face heated and words strangled in his throat as he tries to get past the complete and utter betrayal he feels as Chowder raises a hand for Farmer to slap heartily. Because, really. “How _dare?_ How _dare_ you imply that I would- that _we_ could… ugh. I mean. In case you haven’t noticed, Dex is five hundred percent straight, so your argument is moot.”

“About that?” Farmer says, face pained for the first time during this conversation, which. “How drunk _were_ you last weekend? Because Dex totally spent the night taking care of you. It was more than slightly gay.”

Somewhere in Boston, Shitty is having palpitations. And honestly? Nursey’s kind of right there with him, because really?

“Farmer, I am legit disappointed with you. Bros take care of bros all the time, it’s a fact of life, and just because you’re convinced that Dex and me have a _thing_ doesn’t make Dex gay. Or bi… or whatever. Point is, that’s super heteronormative of you, and it makes me sad.”

“Bro… he held your hand for hours and didn’t leave you alone for a second. Like, he spent at least five songs just stroking your hair back from your forehead because you said you liked his hands and that all you wanted was a boyfriend with nice hands just so that they could do that for you. Honestly, I’m a little shocked that he didn’t die from the amount of blood that redirected from the rest of his body to his face - the boy was _bright red_.”

“That doesn’t mean _anything_ ,” Derek interjects, feeling his own face beginning to flush, because _Jesus Christ_ , how drunk _was_ he that he doesn’t remember any of this?

“No, man,” Chowder says, an anxious smile on his face that does absolutely nothing to calm the mortification roiling in Derek’s stomach. “Like, he _danced_ with you. Dex doesn’t dance for anyone, but you asked him to dance, and suddenly he was out there on the dance floor - he didn’t complain _once_.”

“That doesn’t mean he has feelings for me, or whatever,” Derek squeeks. “ It just means that he’s a good bro.” 

Chowder doesn’t say anything in response to that, and really. Derek should feel victorious, but Chowder looks _guilty_. Which he shouldn’t… unless, of course, he knows something.

“Does Dex like me in a gay way?” He asks, and really, he’s a poet. Derek _knows_ that there are better ways to ask, but right now he’s a little past trying to find the best words for the moment. Because the second the question is out there Chowder visibly turtles into himself. Which… is kind of all the confirmation Derek needs.

And yeah. 

_Wow_.

Considering the fact that Derek never let himself consider Dex as an option before (too _conservative_ , too _grumpy_ , too _Dex_ ), now that it’s a possibility? 

Yeah…

It kind of changes everything. Because Dex isn’t the same person he was freshman year. He’s grown into himself - physically, emotionally, intellectually - and he’s somehow become one of Derek’s favorite people to talk with. Because Dex has opinions, but he’s open to debate. And Dex may have come from a conservative family, but he stopped letting that define him around the time that Bitty started baking with him, which… yeah, for every way that Dex can be a dick, there’s at least one corresponding way that he’s managed to be thoughtful or kind or hilarious. 

And Dex might have started out being the worst kind of white boy imaginable. 

But he’s grown.

And apparently he danced with Derek.

Which.

“Holy shit, we’ve totally been chirp-flirting.”

Chowder doesn’t agree or disagree, but from the smug look on Farmer’s face, it’s pretty clear that Derek’s not just making this up. And maybe, on another day, Derek will have some words for her blatant disregard of common decency and haus loyalty, but for now he’s got an angry ginger to track down.

“Nursey!” Chowder calls after him as Derek hoists himself off the bed and out the door. “Where are you going?!”

“Don’t worry, babe,” Farmer coos, loud enough for Derek to hear has he barrels down the stairs, “he’s going to go chirp Dex with his dick _and_ his heart.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to DizzyRedhead for reading and listening and helping me get this out of my head and onto your screen. <3 <3 <3


End file.
